Have you ever thought of dying? I don’t want to sound morbid but it entered my mind early on today. What a morning thought huh? I’m not planning on killing myself. The thought of dying just found an entry point in my brain. I’m not schizophrenic either. I’m not hearing voices talking about death it just popped on my mind! We are all going to die and we know that. Sometimes it’s practical to think about it because it’s going to happen anyway. All I want is for that moment to be perfect and scenic. I want to die with an accomplishment. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to do that. I want to influence people and to make things better. I’m not saying that I want to be a saint. All I want is to be useful in this world. I find it weird because yesterday I feel like there is something lacking in my life. What’s ironic is I don’t know what it is. All I know is I have to find what’s lacking in my existence. Yesterday, I got home at around 15 minutes to 10 pm from school. I came from the debate training that we have every Wed., Thurs., and Fri.. I did enjoy the training because Wendell was there and he made things a bit fun. I took debate in a light manner for the first time. Usually, when I’m in debate I’m so serious. I learned yesterday that it’s supposed to be fun. So, I enjoyed it. Moving on, I feel like I’m getting too materialistic. I always find a way to get what I want. At the end of the day, if I was able to buy all the things that I wanted I ask a lot of questions. Questions like, Did it make me happy? Am I a better person because of having this? Is this what I really wanted? In the end, the answer is always no. In this world, it’s hard to satisfy ourselves. We’ve emerged ourselves in a culture wherein materialism is a part of life. Everybody is starting to live like models, celebrities and public figures. Anyway, I don’t know why I’m even talking about these things. It must have been a dramatic day for me huh? It’s actually an average day! It’s just that it has been a day for pondering. I’ve also realized that moving on is hard to do. I miss the days when I was in third year. I miss the classroom, classmates, teachers and my adviser. Out of my loneliness, I came back to my former adviser last Friday. We talked about a lot of things because we really had a lot of catching up to do. She was my favorite adviser and it’s hard to let go of her. I was bowled over when she told me that she is sick. She has scoliosis but this time it is serious. She told me that her back is very painful and sometimes she ends up crying at night. All she did was pray and just mask her pain with a smile whenever she goes to school. The moment I heard that, my heart started to break. Her condition is incurable all that science could do is to stop it from worsening. To save herself she needs money. I felt helpless because I feel like I couldn’t do anything for her. All I can give is prayer.
